Step up to the line

I've been tangled in a morass of possibilities these past few days. My iTunes are echoing my reality...

But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

I am busy being an insomniac and making insomniac promises to myself. I am applying for two "non traditional scholar" programs now that I am finally elderly enough and quailing before all the lines and lines and lines and lines of self-aggrandizement and assessment required. How many qualified people can check the "exceptional" box for me? What has my life been up till now (and from now)? Can I explain myself in 250 to 500 words? Can I make an account of the blessed disaster of my past five years? Can I tell them what I thought would happen to me at eighteen, what happened to me at twenty-one, what's different at twenty-four, and what I hope for myself at twenty-nine, all in the space allotted? Can I plead my case? Can I beg forgiveness, earn a second chance? Can I prove that I was worth it all this time? Can I compress my years of pain and doubt and fear and hatred and coffee-shops and learning and growth and despair and hope all into one essay?

I don't know. In the meantime I think I will cry a little bit. Heh.


In my dreams
I see myself hitting a baseball
In a green field somewhere near a freeway
I'm all tan and smiling and running from 3rd base
And it's hot and
The kids keep on playing the driving game
And they're singing the same goddamn refrain
And the sky is a blueish grey.
And its become just like a chemical stress
Tracing the lines in my face for
Something more beautiful than is there
I've barely been gone.

In my dreams
I see you at the foot of some mountains.
And we're taking some pictures or something
And we'd better hurry up
And it's late and
The sun keeps on shooting through pine trees
And the grass stains are wet on your new jeans
And we'd better hurry up
And I've become just like a terrible mess
searching the lines in my face for
something more beautiful than is there
the crowds keep me coming back. Cheering.

In my dreams
I see you asleep on a twin bed
The covers pulled up over your head
Am I asleep or awake?
And it's morning
And the captain is playing the radio
And hes just put the paint on his new boat
Am I asleep or awake?

And it just feels good when you're waking up
And it just feels good when you're next to me
And it just feels good when you're coming home
And it just feels good when it's waking up

And I've become just like a chemical stress
Tracing the lines of my face for
Something more beautiful than is there
I've barely been gone
and I'm not a failure
I swear
I wish you could see it from over there
I've got a lot over here without you
I've barely been gone
gone
dreaming

(All lyrics courtesy Rilo Kiley)