Some prayers of happiness

Dear Friends!

I am so well. It's been a while since I wrote here, but I am very, very well. They found the right medications for me, and my soul has never been so free. It's a miracle of the highest order, at least in my little life. The heavy, murderous shadow that has weighed me down from early memory has been lifted, and I am well.

I can't say it enough: I bore friends with my constant repetition of how happy I am. And not just happy, but peaceful. I never knew what a miserable burden of anxiety I carried, even on my best days. I knew it was hard to be me, but I didn't know just how hard it had been until that burden was taken away from me.

I still encounter the range of emotions: elation, anger, sorrow, joy, pain, silliness, seriousness, love, and the mild panic of a paper due and an exam to write.(Monday! Ack!) But I feel these things more freely--they aren't overwhelming blows. For so long, living with bipolar, I was prey to every stray thought and feeling. Everything was terrifyingly significant, everything had to mean something, and I had to find out what it meant right away or something terrible might happen.

And that is all gone.

I am speechless with gratitude. All of my prayers and psalms begging for mercy and deliverance have been answered, and far beyond my wildest expectation. I longed for freedom from misery, but couldn't know that beyond that freedom was so much capacity for joy.

And best of all, I can feel God again. I was so desolate and alone for so long, but the tyranny of my pain has been broken, and I am free to seek and find God, very close.

Alleluia!

Give thanks to the Lord for he is good,
for his faithful love endures forever...

...In my distress I called to the Lord,
he heard me and brought me relief...

...I was pushed hard, to make me fall,
but the Lord came to my help.
God is my strength and my song,
he has been my saviour...

...I shall not die, I shall live
to recount the great deeds of God.
Though the Lord has chastened me sore,
he has not abandoned me to death.

Open for me the gates of saving justice
I shall go in and thank God...
...I thank you for hearing me
and making yourself my saviour.

The stone which the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone;
This is the Lord's doing,
and we marvel at it.
This is the day that the Lord has made,
let us be glad and rejoice in it...

...You are my God, I thank you.
All praise to you, my God.
I thank you for hearing me,
and making yourself my saviour.

Give thanks to God for he is good,
for his faithful love endures forever.
(Psalm 118)

On top of this great gift, I have found a great love, and I am finally fit for love. For the first time I can love without the sense of dread and fear of rejection. I don't have to waste my energy shielding my partner from the fact that I am me. I don't have to feel in need of constant renovation and revision. I give happiness and receive happiness, give love and get love, and know that the gifts I give, as well as the gifts I receive, are well worth having. I can give myself as I am, and be received for all that I am. It's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me, and sometimes I think I might pop from the sheer joy of it. Hooray!

One of the tangible gifts that my love has given to me is a beautiful little blue book called "The Book of Uncommon Prayer." It is full of some of humanity's best tributes to God, and I have a lot to share from it. For tonight, I have a blessing for all of my friends, and one especially.

The winter will lose its cold,
as the snow will be without whitenes,
the night will be without darkness,
the heavens without stars,
the day without light.
The flower will lose its beauty,
all fountains their water,
the sea its fish,
the tree its birds,
the forest its beasts,
the earth its harvest --
All these things will pass before
anyone breaks the bonds of our love,
and before I cease caring for you in my heart.
May your days be happy in number as flakes of snow,
may your nights be peaceful,
and may you be without troubles.