"Do not think time long, nor your sufferings long, for the Lord will lay no more upon you but what you are able to bear; yea, upon his faithful people. I know it, and am a witness for God in all my sufferings and imprisonments, and haling before magistrates about sixty times, about these thirty-six years.
George Fox ala Rex Ambler, again.
I am not a patient girl. I am a twitcher and a fidgeter and a ripper up of napkins. "Wait upon the Lord"? I can barely wait upon the email. Refresh is my favourite command.
I am beginning this post without much of a sense of where it is going, just a sense that I have a post and that little quote from George Fox. And the idea of impatience.
I spend a lot of time waiting, patiently or not. I am good in lines--lines do not bother me. There is knitting or reading or people-watching to be done. I am hardly at a loss to occupy my time in lines. But I spend a lot of time waiting for things to become clear, or to be revealed, or to happen.
Babble. I am impatient with myself and with my slow comprehension, apprehension of whatever bits of the divine are vouchsafed me.
And it's this: I am a Quaker who has a very hard time being still. Often this is not much of a hardship outside of Meeting for Worship. God is on the move and so am I. God is a movable feast, if ever there was such a thing, and no apologies to Hemingway because I've never been to Paris. I have little trouble meeting God on the run. In fact I would say that mostly I experience God as I walk and look out . . . walking in NYC is/was a distillation of that. There is a Presence, and it runs . . . runs through the world, and especially when one can apply a few moments of thought as one goes the Sacramental life sprouts up everywhere, (no waiting) instantly at hand to offer some glimpse of the Divine. But these glimpses of God remain that. I don't feel very far from God because God is always a glance away.
But a communion with God is a little further off.
I am waiting for some Big Things in my life. Events which (it seems from this perch in time) once I finally get to them will change everything, fix most things. My daily challenge and prayer is not to suspend motion until then, to keep living actively without holding my breath, and also not to fill up the interval with noise and nonsense to drown out the wait--to make this time matter, because it's just as real as the time to be, after the Big Things. And my spiritual life echoes the same pattern. I am waiting for some Big Thing to come from God, and it has become clear to me that until it does I am certainly either holding my breath or filling the time with noise, and that is not faithfulness.
"Wait" is a verb, and it lies somewhere in between those two.
Of The Best Stuff, but Cracked
5 comments:
"once I finally get to them will change everything, fix most things." Maybe yes and no? If they come, because thee has changed and so they happen, yes, if thee seeks external things to happen to complete thee, then maybe no.
Thee knows I have great faith that thee judges thyself a bit harshly... and the biggest change is to just take a huge big breath and say yes... things are pretty good, I'm pretty good, and ... accept thyself as much as most others accept that thee is doing more than alright.
Some folks need less sleep, others can center down, while still running all ahead full... ( check thy email... )
Big smile
lor
I read you and smile. I know these feelings of impatience, I know them well. "Wait upon the Lord?" I used to wonder as I sat in Meeting, "Will I wait forever in vain?" Then a realization set in, ever so subtly at first, and then more potently. God is here, now. No waiting. There was never a need to wait.
I loved it when you wrote, "God is on the move and so am I. God is a moveable feast. (Thank you Hemmingway) However, I have come to wonder, is there anything that is not God?
There is a Presence, and it runs . . . runs through the world, and especially when one can apply a few moments of thought as one goes the Sacramental life sprouts up everywhere, (no waiting) instantly at hand to offer some glimpse of the Divine.
I think you know, somehow, somewhere, intrinsically, that we need not wait. God is ever-present, right here, always, at all times. How could it possibly be otherwise? Presence is within us just as it is right in front of us, right now. Each moment. Let's keep turning again and again and see witness this Presence freshly.
GOD is ever present?!
YES - the Holy Eucharist!
Much love and prayer!!
The "waiting for the big thing" struck me.
I struggle with this a bit in myself, and have found myself in a new round of "waiting" for a critical moment, when all becomes clear (or whole, or good, or something)
and, I'm learning, slowly, that it doesn't so much happen that way.
I have been envious of transfolk because they have this aspect of knowing a big thing in their life that, once they change, things make more sense, get easier, feel "right" - of course they get harder too, in a million ways, but that idea that you can take concrete steps to help your soul be more at peace appeals to me.
I have often felt like I am pure spirit trapped in the "wrong body" - not that a female body is a problem, but what, an earthbound body? a vulnerable body? a body that gets creaky and stubborn with disuse, misuse, or age??
I "wait" for all to be revealed, to make sense, to "come together" - and yet, like Meredith said, there is no waiting, it's all right here. God is here, peace is here, wholeness is here, it's maybe just not as firework-y (or as easy) as we might have hoped.
love
Pam
Ahhh, Amanda.
So nice to read you once again, after my 18 days away from technology (or something like that).
It seems like you are asking good questions and you are ravenous for the answers. But remember to be careful for what you ask for!
If you wish to become better at practicing patience, isn't God giving you opportunity after opportunity to practice just that?
I often believe that God is also doing the best that God can, given the circumstances. We humans can be stubborn and thick-skulled sometimes, you know.
I wonder: when you are impatient, are you still able to receive the Love that God offers you, regardless? It's that weird paradox that God accepts us and loves us unconditionally... and God calls us to change and be transformed.
Anyway, you are in my thoughts.
Blessings,
Liz, The Good Raised Up
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