Ah gee

Lots of good stuff going on in the blog-world. I've been pretty absent from the rounds lately, but I did want to take a moment to say that Rich has had some really good stuff going up, and big juicy comments attending the posts. I'd also like to thank everyone for the comments you've been giving me. Liz Opp, most lately, has had some beautiful things to say and I'm holding them with me in prayer before I respond.

Okay, that sounds like part of an Oscar speech.

There's been lots going on with me. I've decided I want to try to go to medical school and become a psychiatrist, and this announcement has been greeted with such helpful and joyful enthusiasm from many of my friends that it's become a real source of joy and direction in my life . . . a big fat new one, and it's a pretty special time. "Look into Medical School" is the biggest loudest Leading I've ever heard, and whether it ends up in medical school or not, it's very exciting. I am reading what feels like thousands of books on the subject, and it's totally engrossing.

I wasn't going to post about this because it's probably nothing and so I figured when it turns out to be nothing, I'll feel stupid about having posted it. And then I figured, what better way to make sure it turns out to be nothing than to post about it, because the Universe does not turn down chances to make me feel stupid. Psych! Take that, Universe! So, I've been having some atypical migraines and other strange neurological symptoms, and the doctors want to rule out brain tumors and other nasties, so I'm going to go in to the hospital in a few weeks to get a bunch of scans and tests and MRIs and things done. I've been anywhere from mildly interested to completely terrified about it (I have an aunt who suffered from massive brain tumors and had a stroke) over the past week, which seems to have settled into a vague concern and an oversensitivity to my own mild symptoms. "Uh oh, I have a headache this morning! Headaches in the MORNING are a symptom of BRAIN TUMORS! Uh oh, I tripped over my shoelaces! Poor coordination is a symptom of BRAIN TUMORS! Uh oh, I can't remember the word I'm trying to say! Change in speech patterns is a symptom of BRAIN TUMORS!" Uh oh, I forgot why I went downstairs! Confusion is a symptom of BRAIN TUMORS! ad nauseum, etc.

I've been doing a little bit of spiritual flailing around about it too, like "Mortality, meet Amanda. Amanda--Mortality", and dealing with how my Catholic family would handle it if I decided to die a Quaker, what if a botched brain surgery turns me into a drooling, seizing vegetable and I want to be DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and dealing with differing ethics around that concern, is there life after death, (I don't want to be reincarnated as that slug I accidentally stepped on yesterday), what if I freaked out and started wearing the brown scapular to cover my bases just in case I'm wrong about all this hell stuff and would that make me a bad Quaker. Etc., ad nauseum. Blah. So prayers around this would be appreciated. Even though I am sure it will turn out to be nothing, it’s probably a good spiritual exercise.


Also, I went to Mass at the Paulist Center yesterday. These are some of the "heretic priests" that I scorned as a child. I have to say I'm pretty fascinated. Growing up, and in my one year of Catholic College, the message I heard over and over again from priests and parishioners was always "If you don't agree with what the Church says about X, get out!" The idea that liberals were/are "ruining" the church is widespread, and it's a very emotional issue for many people-- and one I can well understand, having been in the middle of it before, and watching my friends and family struggle with it. For a silly example--if I was a member of a club celebrating the colour pink, and people showed up who were convinced that the colour blue was truly the best colour, I'd be horrfied if they tried to change my Pink Club into a Blue Club. I'd probably ask what they were doing in the Pink Club to begin with, and I'd wish they'd go start a Blue Club, if they couldn't accept Pink as the best colour. Because of this, when it became clear to me that there were issues with the Church's teaching that I could not reconcile with my God-Given conscience and reason --in Quakerese: my current Light-- I did what I'd been told to do. I didn't agree, so I got out. I went and found a Blue Club. I couldn't become a "cafeteria Catholic". I worked hard to reconcile my differences, but the mental gymnastics my self-apologetics required led me to feel that to stay in the Church would be a big fat hypocrisy.

Now I'm curious. This parish was full of deeply worshiping people who dedicate their lives to serving the poor and the suffering. They disagree with the Vatican on many things, (ie: they think blue is a colour that really should be looked at by the Pink Club) but they've chosen to stay in communion with the Church, and so far the Church has not cut them off. This decision to stay, and this calm in the face of severe conflict and tension is remarkable to me. The attitude seems to be "Christ came and told us what to do. We're doing it. What's going on in the institution comes second, always, to feeding the hungry, welcoming the lonely, comforting the afflicted." The politics of dissent are present but not primary. Because I'd just spent the week feeling scared and conflicted and kind of spiritually lonely I cried a little when we sang this song:

Will you let me be your servant,
Let me be as Christ to you;
Pray that I may have the grace to
Let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey,
We are travelers on the road;
We are here to help each other.
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night-time of your fear;
I will hold my hand out to you,
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping;
When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow,
Till we've seen this journey through.

I know this parish would be looked on with disgust by any conservative Catholic, but I found it very healing to visit there. I didn't go to communion, and I didn't say the creed, but I still felt that my worship was valuable. I have an appointment to talk with one of their priests. I'm still a Quaker, but it might be nice to find a way to reach back and be "in communion" with the Catholic church. I want to know how they do in it the face of the anger and venom that is directed at liberals from some of the conservative quarters of the Church, as well as the anger and venom many liberals direct at the conservative factions. I mean, to be completely frank, the conservatives have the catechism and the pope on their side. If these liberal Catholics don't agree, why don't they leave? What's the point of being a "liberal Catholic" when it's kind of an oxymoron as far as canon law is concerned? I do believe in "one holy apostolic catholic church"--not in the way the creed means it, but in the other sense of catholic--universal. I believe in a universal church, which includes the Catholic church. So anyway, I'm babbling. But that was an important thing for me this weekend.