I have not forgotten . . .

. . . about my promised post(s). I've just been waiting for them to ripen while I keep busy. I am not sure if I have time to finish a whole Important post before it is time to crumple into bed courtesy of the No Bad Dreams for Now pill, but I thought I'd type for a while anyway.

At some point I want to talk more specifically about what my NEYM experience has to do with the new shifts in my faith life, but I don't know if I have the attention span for a nice coherent post encompassing both NEYM and the new stuff haunting my soul. So for now I will name the two or three major things I (re)learned there, and maybe post a little about what I plan to do about them, and how they make me feel. And maybe then I'll post a whole lot of unrelated stuff about how I feel because I seem to have more feelings than I know what to do with most days. Poor Jeff and my mum absorb the bulk of them, other friends get the backsplash. I would like not to be so drippy and emotional sometime soon but I also know that's not entirely up to me.

So. What I've Learned.

1.) "Art thou a child of the Light, and hast thou walked in the Light, and what thou speakest, is it inwardly from God?"

So, since beginning my Quaker path I've had this strong beautiful and demanding phrase echoing in my head, but I've only listened to the last third, and only as it applies to vocal ministry. "Are these words inwardly from God? Hmm, yeah, it feel like it, I guess it's time to Quake."

But am I child of the Light?

Have I walked in the Light?

I don't know. It seems as though I've been claiming Quakerism for the Old-School Hicksite theology (short order form: I will be a Christian but I don't think God demanded Christ's death as revenge/atonement) but expecting all my spiritual life to take place on some other plane. It has been revealed to me that I've been extremely anti-community since becoming a Quaker. I still want my solitary mystic path, I just want to be a Quaker while I do it. God does not seem to agree.

What I am Going to Do About it?

a.) well, I was told inwardly that for a start I need to stop beign scared of YAFs. And that I should stop seeking the inward title of "Minister" if I am afraid to minister to my peers. I met some rising YAFs who seemed so ready for God and a life of Faith, and saw that maybe I have a part to play in helping create a community for them while they learn how. Yikes, scary. I hate people my own age. I spent my childhood being precocious and being admired for it every now and then. I clung to that admiration and I guess I still seek it. It is humbling to know that I've been rejecting things God might like me to do because I'm still seeking the thin rewards of a savant.

2.) A phrase from last year's YM:

"And you will be carried where you do not wish to go"

This is a translation (unidentified) of John 21:18. I realized that perhaps all of my blubbering about no leadings from God was shameful and that I might have valuable opportunities for service in places that are ultra-familiar and unpalatable to me at first (my home meeting, and also YAFs)

3.) Trusting the experience of others. It's a hard pill for an independent Quaker to swallow on the surface. Isn't this faith supposed to rest on the direct experience of God?

Maybe not always. The truth is, I can go long dark miserable stretches of time with no direct experience of God. And another truth is, the experience of God is available to me in those times, too, if I am humble enough to seek it in the testimony of others. When I am fretting over this or that moment, trying to decide if it's a valid experience of the divine, I could turn to the experience of those I trust and admire and recognize as faithful teachers/companions. I shouldn't be so jealous of my own experience that I'd rather sit around sad, lonely, and Godless, when there's someone else willing to share their experience with me.

There is more, but that's a mildly disorganized start.