From an e-mail...

"Often I feel like a sound engineer, fiddling
with the levels in my life. I tweak the dials to let what I think will
be the correct amounts passion, humility, patience, and tenderness
out, and then step up to the mic. "Test...test...test..." and then I
have to go back and fiddle some more, and I never really get to the
performance. Sometimes this feels like what I should be doing, and
other times I feel like I need more simplicity - just step up to the
mic and sing the song the way I've practiced it, and trust that
there's a more qualified guy at the soundboard.

There is a part of the Bhagavad Gita, in chapter 12, that I think of
constantly, especially the last two lines....

Arjuna:
Lord! of the men who serve Thee--true in heart--
As God revealed; and of the men who serve,
Worshipping Thee Unrevealed, Unbodied, Far,
Which take the better way of faith and life?

Krishna:
Whoever serve Me--as I show Myself--
Constantly true, in full devotion fixed,
Those hold I very holy.

But who serve--
Worshipping Me The One, The Invisible,
The Unrevealed, Unnamed, Unthinkable,
Uttermost, All-pervading, Highest, Sure--
Who thus adore Me, mastering their sense,
Of one set mind to all, glad in all good,
These blessed souls come unto Me.

Yet, hard
The travail is for such as bend their minds
To reach th' Unmanifest
That viewless path
Shall scarce be trod by man bearing the flesh!
But whereso any doeth all his deeds
Renouncing self for Me, full of Me, fixed
To serve only the Highest, night and day
Musing on Me--him will I swiftly lift
Forth from life's ocean of distress and death,
Whose soul clings fast to Me. Cling thou to Me!
Clasp Me with heart and mind! so shalt thou dwell
Surely with Me on high.

But if thy thought
Droops from such height; if thou be'st weak to set
Body and soul upon Me constantly,
Despair not! give Me lower service! seek
To reach Me, worshipping with steadfast will;

And, if thou canst not worship steadfastly,
Work for Me, toil in works pleasing to Me!
For he that laboureth right for love of Me
Shall finally attain!

But, if in this
Thy faint heart fails, bring Me thy failure! find
Refuge in Me! let fruits of labour go,
Renouncing hope for Me, with lowliest heart,
So shalt thou come; for, though to know is more
Than diligence, yet worship better is
Than knowing, and renouncing better still.
Near to renunciation--very near--
Dwelleth Eternal Peace!

I feel often that I am running up and down the scale of these ways to
love and serve God...never really staying on any path for very long.
But I always fall back into that poverty of spirit, where I can say in
peace, if only for a moment, God, I just. don't. know. I have no idea,
I'm just making it all up as I go along...

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People have scowled at this before, for example, when I posted the same excerpt on my old blog, saying it sounded like an excuse for spiritual laziness. I don't know. I guess I can see how it could be interpreted that way, but reading the whole thing, it seems pretty clear to me. He suggests that all of these paths be tried, as hard as we can - renunciation, and surrender are the last step. Yes, he praises renunciation as the highest, but only when it is purified by long and hard searching.

Sometimes I think of it like this - God's playing hide and seek with us. After we finish counting and open our eyes, if we just say. "Hmm. Can't find thee. I give up." it's no fun, and there's no game, no relationship. But if we keep looking everywhere, getting more and more puzzled, I have this slightly blasphemous image of God in his awesome divine hiding place, bursting out into giggles, really pleased with himself, cause He's winning. If, after we've searched and searched and searched, we finally tumble to the ground and say "Fine, fine, fine! YOU WIN! OKAY? CAN'T FIND YOU! COME OUT! OKAY? I SAAAAAID, YOU WIN!" then He'll come chuckling, and maybe even gloating a bit, out of his hiding spot. He loves this bit, even better than if you'd found him.

The bitch of it is, He never seems to get tired of the game, so as soon as you admit defeat, and He shows himself, He's all "Let's play again! Again! Come on!" and disappears.

God wears me out. :)