"But sometimes everything I write
with the threadbare art of my eye
seems a snapshot,
lurid, rapid, garish, grouped,
heightened from life,
yet paralyzed by fact.
All's misalliance.
Yet why not say what happened?"
I take a lot of heat for writing about my mental illness here, but it's what I do. This bit of Lowell's (famously bipolar, himself) sums up how I often feel about anything I write...I'm laying down the moments that grip me in some way: "lurid, rapid, garish..." Why don't I write more about the happy moments in my life? To be once again brutally honest, for me at this moment happiness = peace and quiet. And when things are peaceful and quiet I am generally sitting very still enjoying it and hoping nothing will change. When things head back to hell in a handbasket then I thrash about and take action. And blog. My joys these days are small and private, while my catastrophes are loud and impossible to hide.
I need to stop typing, my hand is killing me. I tore a ligament and OW.
A friend bought me An Unquiet Mind a book by/about a bipolar psychiatrist. So far it is pretty gripping.
4 comments:
Kay Redfield Jamison, a brilliant and bipolar DOCTOR, is a lot like you. I think you'll like the book.
Didn't someone like Emerson say something about everyone living lives of quiet desperation? F that S. I always say, nope. I'm pretty loud about my desperation and I think that's the way it has to be. Makes life more interesting, at least.
Also, as people who are somewhat highly functioning with mental illnesses, we have a real political duty to ourselves and our fellow survivors to LIVE OUT LOUD. People need to know what it is like to live with this disease - to LIVE with it. Because even thought it is hard, we are LIVING. We are not stark raving mad (well, not all the time), we are not evil or cruel or crazy. So keep it up sister.
My parents love you.
Love,
CHARLi
I know just what thee means about blogging. I feel the same way about songs sometimes. I had a really dear friend Rick, a well know Canadian folk singer, who once asked me to write a song about him. I laughed and said, 'Rick, you never made me angry or sad, how can an Irish writer say anything about you!" I didn't know Rick was near death... I felt terrible I didn't get to say to him all I would have with a song ... but, my experience with Rick was just all contentment and he was such a joyful inspiration to me.
I do think there is some importance in letting folks know how much life can hurt. Most Quaker journals follow the same story, early life of not knowing, a time of deep pain, then getting it, and contentment. In spite of the difficulties I wrote thee about, and some other things, I can say I am content, and part of that is faith. The fellow who is costing our family so much, years of our total income, is a poor pathetic lost soul, though he thinks he is on top of the world, living free in a haze of drugs. I've settled in for the long wait, knowing that those who preserver, win. Sometimes relaxing in the face of pain and trouble is what thee learns from it all. Remember what I once told thee about facing the cold - don't tense up, just relax and let it all pass through thee? Well, the cold is coming back, and it is a good time to practice just letting it all pass through thee.
To any who give thee a hard time for writing all this, well, remind them we are in new times, we publish on line before the end of the journal is written ... they might do better to help thee find the contentment that ends so many Quaker journals ... rather than kick thee when thee is down...
Holding thee in the light, and prayers for thy hand, and everything...
=)
lor
You just keep on writing, Kiddo........as and when and how it suits you.
As for me, I guess I can stop worrying when you don't blog for a week or so.
Funny... there was a bit on the news this morning about relaxation as a way of dealing with pain as well... let the pain just pass through thee like the cold... don't tense up...
Big deep breath kiddo, all will be OK.
=)
Post a Comment