I was reading an interview with Douglas Coupland today, and he had something very interesting to say about being in your 20s these days, especially living in a big city.
"We live in an incredibly transient culture. You go from the intense
socialization experience of school, then move to the other side of
town — or to Los Angeles — where you're dumped into this culture where
it takes an incredible amount of money just to live. You're stuck
finding your own way and not quite sure who's good or evil, who's
using you, "Is it me or is it the alcohol?" And in the midst of all
this, you're feeling totally disconnected from a lot of people. Are
you clinically depressed? No! You're just lonely, and no one told you
what it was or how to identify it, the shapes or colors or forms of
it, so you think you're going mental. And because people tend to hang
out with people their own age, everyone around you looks great, like
they all just stepped out of a shampoo commercial or something, so you
think, "They couldn't possibly be experiencing all this crappy shit
that's inside of me." Before you even discuss it with people, you've
already shut yourself down. And that's your twenties!"
Loneliness is something I mused about a great deal in my just-arrived-in-NYC blog.I had more friends than I had ever dreamed of, a full social calendar, and I still found myself occasionally staring in a bathroom mirror asking myself what's wrong?! Why do I feel so lonely? Occasionally, those moments return, even with my refound faith in the One who has promised to never forsake us.
Williamsburg is muffled and deserted tonight...you can stand outside in the snow for ages without seeing or hearing another soul. I went to a friend's house after a solitary Saturday spent staring at old movies and watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a movie I had not seen since another Saturday, this one alone in my apartment for the first time. Erik was away for the weekend, and I took advantage by going to the video store and renting all the movies he never wanted to see. I had a boringly wonderful Jane Austin flick, some new release things that didn't have a good enough arthouse pedigree...and I can't remember what other things, because I didn't end up watching any of them at all. I'd tossed Hedwig into the mess because some of my theatre friends had mentioned it once. I put it in first, and then watched it on repeat the rest of the weekend. I was in an odd state of soul-shock. Melodramatic, yes, but I had somehow found in this queer, campy bombast a perfect depiction of what it felt like to be me at that point. Alone, Godless, a freak, a fraud, a failure, and somehow still trying to find a way (any way)to avoid loneliness. One song in particular gripped me for months afterwards, but I hadn't thought of it in ages, after I'd left that horrible period, that wicked little town in North Carolina. When I watched the film again today, the same song had me by the throat.
It still applies, with the old meaning, and new ones. The "voice" in the song has changed now. The first time, I had no idea who was singing the song, though I knew it was to me. Listening again, I was flooded with thoughts of how far I've come, and how lost you can feel in the process of "finding yourself".
You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
And black and cloudy skies
You're running up and down that hill
You turn it on and off at will
There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town
Oh Lady Luck has lead you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear
The pious, hateful, and devout
You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out
The wind so cold it burns
You're burning out and blowing 'round
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town
The fates are vicious and they're cruel
You learn too late you've used
Two wishes
Like a fool
And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town...
....when everything starts breaking down
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
Something beautiful and new
You think that luck has left you there
But maybe there's nothing
Up in the sky but air
And there's no mystical design
No cosmic lover preassigned
There's nothing you can find
That cannot be found
'cause, with all the changes you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town
So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town
Oh, it's a wicked little town.
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