Underground

For the last couple of weeks, my sleep has been disturbed by odd, unsettling dreams. They range from mundane to ridiculous, but all of them share the same basic feature - they include the subway, and a feeling of fear or uneasiness or tragedy around it. I've had at least a dozen dreams like this. In some the subway is an incidental bit of scenery, in others, I'm running through it, in others, all the action is centred around it.

I had the latest in the series last night. I was on an oddly shaped, crowded subway platform. The train was going somewhere unusual. I can't remember where it was, but I remember that being a part of the dream - as if it was a subway shuttle that only went to one particular place. I was unnerved by the fact that so many people were waiting in the subway track pit instead of on the platform. I figured that since it was a special train, there must be some sort of special warning system that allowed people to wait down there, freeing up space on the platform. It bothered me, though. Suddenly, we heard the train coming and everyone on the tracks started freaking out, and trying to climb out of the way.

I lunged forward to help, despairing of getting them all out in time. Closest to me were two little boys, one about six years old and one about three, who looked a lot like a little boy who comes into my coffee shop each day. I managed to get my arms around the older one, because he was taller, and pull him out and onto the platform, and then I screamed as the train rushed up and over all the other people on the platform, who were also screaming and scrambling. I began to sob hysterically, clutching the little boy, but when the train passed, there were no bodies, and people were very annoyed with me, telling me that the people in the platform weren't real - they were "models" which I came to understand meant some sort of holographic projection provided by the MTA. I couldn't figure out why they would project such a horrifying thing, and got the sense it was for entertainment, but hoped it was for training or something. I was disturbed that the little boy I had pulled out of the tracks remained flesh and blood in my arms. Though the other "victims" hadn't died, I felt that if I had pulled them out of the tracks they would have lived, like the flesh-and-blood-holograph child in my arms crying for his non-existant brother.

Lovely way to start the day. At least I was very glad to wake up.

I do believe that dreams are powerful psychoanalytical tools, but haven't much of a clue on how to decode this one. I think that this obsessive subway dreaming has to do with the fact that to me subways are

1.) Really freaking scary

1a. Dark
1b. Confusing
1c. Underground
1d. Damp
1e. Containing rats and lunatics
1f. Crowded and claustrophobia-inducing
1g. Fast and deadly
1h. Nothing between you and the fast deadliness but a yellow painted line and your own free-will not to hurtle yourself onto the tracks in a sudden unpremeditated fit of craziness.

2.) The symbol of my independance (i.e. adulthood)

2a. Nearly unlimited mobility (choices)
2b. Self support (gets me to job = freedom/responsibility)


So just that would be enough to keep me and a shrink busy for a few years. Why this is suddenly so urgent that I dream about it every night is unclear.