Joy

I was talking to Jeff, in one of our particularly blessed and Spirit-filled phone conversations, about the fact that I have been given this great gift of joy, and my fears and hopes that I will be faithful to it and use it the best way I can...the way I am intended to. Completely unexpectedly, he told me that he felt led to remind me of my family, and that I should consider how to share this with them, when they need it so badly. I was immediately convicted of how, because I can't do anything about their temporal suffering without seriously compromising my well-being, I have all but written them off, interacting with them only under the most inescapable obligation. He encouraged me to find ways to reassure them of my love, and of my gratefulness for them.
I was kind of flabbergasted at the thought of being grateful for them. Sure I love them, a lot, I thought, but mainly they have been a source of worry and pain that I've done my best to hide from. Be grateful for them? After some time spent sitting with that idea, I realized that even from selfish motives this made sense. How can I hope for my healing and peace of mind unless I can reconcile some of my discomfort and sadness, and find a way to make them a positive force in my life, when so often they seem like a black hole?

I started in small ways, answering my mom's e-mails immediately, with as much cheerfulness, hope, and common sense as I could muster, though often I had to clench my teeth and chant things like "kittens, fluffy puppies, rainbows, sunshine...happy, happy, happy" to get through the latest missive of misery without imploding. Shockingly quickly, with this treatment, my mother's response began to brighten, and for the first time, instead of feeling like I was vainly howling into the wildnerness, I began to see some real effect.

I can't tell you how in three days of following this advice with my family my friendship with my mother and my ministry to her has blossomed. It's heart-stopping. I have just had the most incredible conversation with her and the words came right from Him, and I didn't get angry even when I felt like I would, and she understood me more than she ever has. It is so beautiful. I've never been able to relate to her without having to compromise something of myself, or lie to her, or something sad like that. And I really think it helped encourage her and lift her a bit from despair.

The Presence is so much with me, and though there's a small part of me that worries people will be sick of me going on and on and on about it, I am not ashamed to praise Him. I don't know how I've been turned into this crazy new person with the name of God so easily and freely on my lips but I can't say I'm really sorry.

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.

For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.

When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."

Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.

Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the
goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.