A prayer

We had our first YAF group meeting last night. Though there were only three of us, it was quite amazing. The time was incredibly gathered and full. After we worshiped we chatted about plans and adventures we'd like to have in the future.

I had a very humbling moment in worship. I was trying to centre down, trying to pray, and I was just being faced back with this great emptiness. I was sad and frustrated, wanting to say "Speak, Lord, thy servant listens!" but I felt I was just bellowing it into blackness. I tweaked the prayer, and asked "Who is calling me? What is calling me?" Again and again I asked it, getting angrier and lonelier and finally, an answer came, but it felt like it was only an echo..."Who is calling you? What is calling you?"

Once I sat with that a minute, I realized it was the same crashing lesson that I can't seem to learn. I'm still asking for knowledge of a seperate God, floating somewhere in the ether, ready to come down and explain the universe to me if I just dash my brains out finding the secret code that will unlock heaven. I was told last night, not in sweet comforting terms, either, that what I have of God right now is what is right in front of me...the tasks, the people, the situations. I'd always said that to myself in sort of a singsongy, "Ain't I lucky! Lookit all the Gawd around me hereabouts!" sort of way. I think though, that was always in the context of expectation, that there was more immediately on its way. This time however, I was given to understand unequivocally that I am to stop looking for more at the expense of what I already have. My response was "That's all? That's all there is to God? Just people? Just the world? Just the universe?"

I immediately thought of the movie Neverland. J.M. Barrie, played by Depp, is putting on a circus in the park for some children, using only his imagination and the services of his big sheepdog, who he claims is a fierce performing bear. A little boy named Peter interrupts the performance, calling out "This is absurd. He's just a dog."

Barrie strides up, puts his reproachful face right into the boy's and cries "Just...What a horrible candle-snuffing word! That's like saying...that's not a diamond, it's just a rock. Just." and turns away to continue the makebelieve he was performing for the other boys, while Peter sits it out because of his heartbreak and doubt, missing all the magic.

I've been told, "This is all the God you're getting for now, until you figure out how use it." and "Finish what's on your plate before you look for another serving, or something else."