On a Mini Vacation This Weekend

I took myself out of Boston for the long weekend and have spent it with friends and alone in a pretty perfect proportion. Lots of time walking solitary or riding the bus with my iPod permanently stuck on Brandi Carlile. At some point I will have to move on, but of all the music that's moved me in my nearly twenty-five years, who'd think it would be a country-pop cowgirl who would steal my heart and mark a musical epoch in my life? It may just be that this is a super intense time in need of a super intense sound track but I am becoming a broken record myself by repeating how much I love her. There is this one song that would make me cry by itself, but then, for the love of all that is holy, there is this remix from a live concert in Austin. With cellos, for the love of god. Seriously, what am I supposed to do?

That's right. Cry like a baby. You know, Ever since I got out of the hospital I cry on average about 10x the amount I used to. This is supposed to be good, but I am not sure. I don't mind so much when it's with music.

Sorry I'm only human.
You know me:
Grown up?
Oh no, guess again

My days always
Dry up and blow away
Sometimes I could do that too
But make no mistake that

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

Progress, changing
Growing, then giving up
Somehow we're never quite prepared
But I understand it

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

So taking me with you would be like
Taking all your money to the grave
It does no good to anyone especially
The one you're trying to save.
But it's so hard not to save.

When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end

It's the first few lines that kill me. As my last relationship wans ending and it felt like my heart was shattering into a million pieces, I said "I'm sorry I'm me." And I really heartfeltedly meant it, which is the sad thing.

But today I have to say I'm really not sorry at all. Not today.

So, I got the gigantic two-rooms-to-myself apartment in the hinterlands of Somerville with the awesome surprise-Quaker roommates. (no dog, though, I got mixed up). In exactly two months I will on here bitching about walking 15 minutes through a frozen urban wasteland to a bus that is never on time while paying $150 a month for heat. But for now I'm really excited. Half my room is packed already. It's disgusting how much stuff I have. Moving to Cambridge is the worst thing that could have happened to my used-book addiction. They are all awesome and they are all orphaned and they are all only two dollars! What else can I do?

So now I just need to get a job to pay for the apartment and the moving and the used books. Yeep. Thank you god, for flowers. Yes, because they are beautiful, but also because I get paid $12/hr net to slaughter them wholesale and stuff them into foam. Amen.

Oh, and another song that makes me cry hard when I'm insomniac and lonely at the same time. This one is on repeat a lot.

Look to the clock on the wall:
Hands hardly moving at all.
I can't stand the state that I'm in.
Sometimes it feels like the walls' closing in.

Oh lord what can I say?
I'm so sad since you went away.
Time time tickin' on me.
Alone is the last place I wanted to be.
Lord what can i say?

Try and burn my troubles away,
Drown my sorrow the same way.
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside.

Oh lord what can I say?
I'm so sad since you went away.
Time time tickin' on me:
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say?
Oh Lord what can I say?

How many rules can I break?
How many lies can I make?
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned?

Oh lord what can I say?
I'm so sad since you went away.
Time time tickin' on me:
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say?
Oh Lord what can I say?

Damnit, Brandi Carlile, stop singing songs about me getting my heart broken or I will...

...

...okay, fine, please keep writing them.

For one night at least, I might be an insomniac but I don't feel lonely. Tonight I am in my favourite city, with people who love me, with a glass of wine and a good helping of hope.