Yeesh.

La la la no sleeping for me. Someday this will come to an end and I'll be snoozing beauty in a castle for a thousand years, and it'll take one hell of a kiss to wake me up while I'm making up for all my lost sleep.

Somehow, for all the ways it sucked, today was not entirely awful. (wow, Amanda, you can muster better than that!)

The good today and lately:
-Woke up and ate hardboiled eggs for breakfast at Charli's. Love Charli. Love eggs.
-Wrote some poems. Love poetry.
-Made some art. Love art.
-Got rid of 4 bags of excess crap from my room. Hate crap.
-Got a big black brace that makes my frayed ligaments rest easier, my wrist sweat less, and my bad-ass factor go up by about 6000 points. It is like a ninja splint. Might even let me work tomorrow. Love splint.
-Got some painkillers. Love painkillers.
-Made a mix CD. I love making mix CDs.
-Got to hear part of a stunning concert while on duty at the desk at the meetinghouse. Love concerts.
-Got a spectacular grade on my psych midterm. Love psych midterm.
-Shared more of myself with a new friend and wasn't rejected, but affirmed. Love new friend.

The absolutely expletive obscenity blasphemy horrible:
-I'm losing my house. The average meetinghouse stay is about two years, and I'm coming up on that now. But the thing is, my concentration, focus and reliability haven't been the same since the summer. I never know when I'll be zipping through chores like an obsessive merry maid and when I'll spend two days straight under the covers, emerging only to half-heartedly swab at corners. I can't promise any time-line for getting better. I do what I can do. I've come so far this year, especially in the last four months, but it's not far enough. If I was doing better I'd likely be invited to stay another year, but no go. They've been so compassionate and forbearing so far, but there's only so much they can do. They're not throwing me out on the street but I am being firmly shifted towards my exit. Not sure when it will happen, probably I have till the end of the year. It's a bit crushing, not just because I have to figure out how to find and pay for an apartment while still functionally unemployed and partially disabled, but because it's so hard on the ego to really really try at something and not succeed. Not to sound cocksure but this is new to me. Which brings me to:

-Had to drop the math course. It was stressing me out almost to the point of hysteria and I just knew I needed to let it go. It's like chess...sometimes you need to sacrifice a piece to win the game. Don't know if I'm winning, but I wasn't going to sacrifice my GPA and sanity to a kiddie math course. But of course my inability to deal with simple probability, statistics and mild algebra is humiliating. A good deal of my energy since has gone into trying to keep myself from hyperventilating about the fact that if I can't do math I can't be a doctor and if I can't be a doctor what am I going to be, oh god, oh god, oh god, etc. ad nauseum.

Seriously, I need a break, this is all getting ridiculous. But still, look at that good list up there. Those are precious things, each of them.

Reading some Rilke:

Voices, Voices. Listen, my heart, as otherwise only
saints have listened: until the immense call
raised them off the ground; and they continued to kneel
and noticed nothing, these impossible creatures:
so completely they listened. Not that you could bear God's
voice, not by far. But hear that blowing,
its uninterrupted message forming from silence.