The Usual

I've been something of an insomniac for much of my life. I remember when I was quite small having Existential Dread--Sesame Street Edition. I'd lie in bed and realize that everyone I loved was asleep, everyone who knew I existed was asleep, I was completely alone, and I would tremble and cry with fear and loneliness at this awful idea even while my sisters slept next to me.

It's not so bad anymore, but I do have these odd moments of lying wide awake in bed at some small hour, feeling like my life is rushing past, feeling unaccountably alone, wondering what will become of me, dipping my toe into the cold waters of nothingness. I am seriously the most hysterical existentialist to walk this silly world.

I've kept out of psychic trouble this week by trading long emails with good friends and keeping extremely busy. One of the reasons I am quite annoyed and anxious about my wakefulness is that I have a job interview for a new Harvard job tomorrow, and I need some rest. I have to pick up my suit from the cleaners and style my hair and I think I packed the shoes I meant to wear. And it suddenly occurs to me that I have no decent trouser socks that will match my brown suit because I haven't had to be professional in half a year. Blaaaah. I am also packing my room, looking at apartments and being mildly jerked around by potential roommates. Roommate interviewing is unpleasantly similar to internet dating, but with higher stakes. You'd normally spend a year or so before taking the big step of moving in with a significant other, but here you're going to move in with strangers. And the primping and earnestly putting forth of only your most charming, entertaining, low maintenance, tidy, generous, light-hearted self in the face of possible mass rejection is very tiring. But it's keeping me occupied. I can only be so self-obsessed and depressed when I am getting lost in Somerville. I went back to work at the flower shop. It is extremely painful with my farking useless hand and I've had to give up early every day, but it helps a lot to be useful. Last week was just awful, though with definite bright spots. Being back to work and actually taking action towards rebuilding my dismantled life makes all the difference.

Saturday I really thought I was going to lose it again. It was my day on duty at the meetinghouse and cleaning 3 floors of a giant building and the meetinghouse and moving benches all with one hand was BAD NEWS. Also it was raining and icy and dark, and I was so sad and lonely at various points I had to retreat to my room and cry into my pillow like a teenager.

I am missing someone but I don't know who
Now I'm standing alone and I'm trying to remember
Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you

Morning sun shine on me
Come light inside my window
And rest on my brow
Kiss my eyes when I sleep
And carry me back home
If my dreams will allow

Though the moods rage and come and go, it's getting a bit easier to remember that they do go, even the very worst of them. None of them last forever, good or bad, and you can ride them out.



I've been finding my friendships re-sorting in the aftermath of my breakup. It's been painful but interesting. And I'm making new friends, too, wonderful friends, friends I haven't known very long but already can't imagine ever doing without. I was remarking to one of these friends that although I really am spectacularly unlucky in some ways (Constant refrain: *head shaking in disbelief* "This could only happen to you, Amanda.") I am preternaturally lucky in others, and one of those is friendships.

I seem to be constitutionally incapable of listening to anything but Brandi Carlile these days. I swear.

I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight

I'm like the wind in the canyon
I'm there then I'm gone in a second
You're growing older in peace where you're at
I wish I could be there for that
But I've moved on
Like a rolling stone
In a crowded room
I'm alone

I'm like the rain in a downpour
I wash away what you long for
And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes
I wish I could be there tonight
Oh, oh, yeah

You're like the tide in the deep blue
Cause you're always there when I need you
And when you need someone to carry you through
I'm gonna be there for you
I'm gonna be there for you

So November is going to kick my ass. Job interviews, apartment interviews, trip this weekend, trip to NC for pretend Thanksgiving next weekend, working, moving, and SUPER DUPER EXCITING VISIT FROM FRIEND the first week of Dec.

As it should be.