Listening to Belle and Sebastian and feeling terribly lonely. Ugh. I hate being lonely. My bird is crap, she is no company at all. She bites me every time I try to make friends and poops on me and runs away whenever I take her out of the cage and gets so grumpy at my late hours that I have to put her in the bathroom to sleep because I can't help staying awake and prowling. I am writing pretend letters to people full of confessions and pleas and explanations and then ripping them up.
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive.
They always reach a sorry ending
They always get it in the end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the poor boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings
Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"
Oh misery. Up and down up and down. I am Lithium Toxic these past few days which has made my head a muddle, given me pimples, made me generally grey and dizzy with other unmentionable symptoms and the plunging corrective dose making me bipolar every three minutes. HAPPY! SAD! JOYOUS! HATE EVERYTHING! OPTIMISTIC! DOOMED! and now I get to have a blood test every week instead of every three. Poop. I'm getting so much scar tissue in my elbows it's going to freeze me up like the Tin Man any second now.
grumblegrumblegrumble have to go swallow my half a lithium tablet and will wake up my dashed bird getting the water and she'll yell at me.
PS as proof of my uppy-downyness there's another new post below this and it's killer cheerful, so feel free to scoot down and read that instead.
7 comments:
The world is all ups and downs. I sat listening in Tompkins Square Park, to a Hindu fellow from England (see flickr pages... later maybe a post) read this lovely gentle story of his guru first coming to New York in 1965... then, had a lovely long conversation with a Hindu monk from another ashram. Then we got on the subject of war and violence. This gentle fellow began speaking of God's punishments, and his faith as the one way to know God, and in a sort of more gentle way ... it was not terribly unlike conversations I had with some Wahabi Moslems or some Fundamentalist Christians, who speak of theirs as the one way, and that is why the others make war...
But, I sought the ups in our talk ... speaking of God's justice as the reclaiming of the evil by restoring their hearts to the good ... the one language of God in our hearts, and things stayed positive and happy.
We met a WONDERFUL plain Mennonite couple Friday. Does thee remember the couple with whom we went to the Green Dragon by horse and buggy? Did I tell thee this already? Well, the wife, Annie of the couple we met last 5th day, was the first cousin of Nathan, the man in the couple last year. They invited Genie and Mike and I back to visit them soon. She was a writer for an Amish newspaper. All the stereotypes did not apply. She said she and her husband had no room in their house for all the books! She was a wonderful singer, and we sang a few songs together, Amazing Grace ... and I sang her my Anna Curtis song about the Underground Railroad. She was so captivated by my photos in my mini-portfolio I keep in my camera bag, I gave her a stack of them, including a photo of Tattooed Bill.
She had a great sense of humor. She had a great laugh at a story about a certain older Wilberites in our meeting... Three weeks ago we had a new attender say he was here to stay, he was a member of the San Francisco Meeting, and come to New York to stay. After meeting, I introduced myself as a member of PC. I told him there was no rush, but if he intended at some point to transfer his membership, do speak to me. The older friend (guess who) said, "Thee will be welcome if thee has the same theology as me!" I said, "Oh so and so) NO ONE has the same theology as thee!" "They do in OHIO!" I replied, "Absence makes the heart grow founder, Friend!" (all this not at all serious, mind you) The Friend from S.F. said to our older Friend... "You know the definition of a Quaker in San Francisco... Gay men teaching Buddhism to children!" We all had a great laugh ... and so did Annie.
Keep something to laugh at close to thy heart.
=)
lor
PS tears... I cried at "Ratatouille," had to sit through all the end credits...
=)
Proof reading...
Does thee remember the couple with whom we [Genie and I] went to the Green Dragon by horse and buggy? Did I tell thee this already? Well, the wife, Annie of the couple we met last 5th day, was the first cousin of Nathan, the man in the couple last year. They invited Genie and Mike and I [! Me !] back to visit them soon.
Someone just told me to see "Rattatouile" too. It's at my cheapy theater, so I may just go, esp. as it's raining here.
I have to say your posts give me immense comfort and make me feel less alone. I have been there, and am skirting it now.
But it is all ups and downs. Someday soon you will not quite remember how awful this felt (maybe even right now! depending on how up-downy you are!) and then something like it may come again and flatten you.
But I can tell you are strong.
and I know you are loved.
I'm thinking that's about as good as any of us ever do.
(I need to write some of those pleading confessional letters and then burn them - I'm proud of you for doing so!)
Have you ever looked up the meaning of your name?
Capt's right... appropriate... look it up!
Cheers
lor
Would you miss your bird if she wasn't there?
Hey Kiddo...
drop by Flickr and see all the happy Mennonites in Tompkins Square Park today!
I don't know if it helps, but when ever thee feels alone, know there are lots of friends missing thee... and there with thee in that...
=)
lor
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