A fairly pointless day today. I woke up (finally slept at 4:30 am) with a sick headache and knowing the heat of the day was only going to make things worse, called into my program and spent the day tossing and turning in front of my fan. I did go out and buy a little healthy food, some eggs and cheese and wholegrain crackers. Despite my constantly ballooning weight, I am have a hard time eating. The mere thought of any food but granny smiths and limeade (It's not easy being green?) serves to turn my stomach. Gah.
A tearful day. I am literally sick of crying. It's not healing or relieving any more...it feels like I have the emotional dry-heaves. It's horrible. I am sure that part of it is the sticky heat but right now everything nauseates me: food, crying, moving, sleeping, conversation. It is tedious and gross.
I've been thinking of the first day in New York after I'd left my husband. I'd just turned twenty one but it seemed like my life was over. I had sobbed myself sick (though I am sure the wine and cigarettes had played their parts) and I was an exhausted damp heap leaning against the headboard of my friend's bed. I will never forget it: she played this song for me, and somehow a little sunshine worked its way into my heart, just when I thought I would never see the light again. I've been listening to it over and over, and while it's never had quite the same effect, it's still helping a little.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses too
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
Here's hoping all the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.
It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses too
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I am determined to sleep like a normal person, or as near as I can get, tonight. My medications are all a mess. (Luckily I get to see my own Dr. Please Fix It on Monday after the clown parade I've been dealing with lately) I am not taking the useless benadryl nonsense they've given me for anxiety. It does bugger-all for anxiety and just takes me from anxious and panicky to tired, stupid, anxious and panicky. Awesome. But I might take advantage of the tired and stupid part and see if it will help me sleep.
4 comments:
I sent thee an email on picking up pieces... BUT, thee really needs a good chuckle, not any deep, must think about this, ironic sneer, but, well, at days when crying is just too much... thee needs a word from the greatest living master of Quaker wisdom... John L.P. Maynard... who sent me this...
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was concerning whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
John remarked that he failed the test, as did I, and he wanted to know if I wished to be a roomate of his while we get our sanity back...
I must send thee a bunch of John's emails for those nights thee feels low. Or better yet, mail thee John, when thee needs him.
=)
lor
PS Does thee remember James Della Vega, the grafetti artist? One of his most resent reflections is, "Why does this empty feeling take up so much space in my life?" Says a lot really... fill thy life with something, other than a void, but, do so gently, find the ballance, and the joy
Amanda, I found all your new
comments at once the other day.
I'm so glad you are back on the net, though it is hard to hear about what you are going through.
I suffer from anxiety, and it is hard to find literature that deals with it, but Henry James wrote a story "The Beast in the Jungle" that startled me when I read it, it spoke so much to my life, about a man who let fear keep him from living fully, only realize that the fear itself was the "Beast" ready to pounce.
My favorite poem is also by Rilke, though I couldn't find a translation on the web and my own copy is lost from long ago: Herbst
[Autumn] and I remember how it starts and ends:
The leaves are falling, ...
as though from orchards deep in
space.
... (etc)
These hands are falling too
... (and so on)
But there is One who holds all this
falling endlessly gentle in His hands.
This poem helped me after the death of our first son.
Many of the psalms are about trust in God also.
There is nearly always something in the back of my mind worrying me; I just have think about it. If it gets fixed, it's immediately replaced with a new one.
Benadryl is good for starting sleep but not so good for keeping it up. I hope you can get your doc to find you something better.
My prayers are with you,
Rudy
My German is not great, but here's my attempt to translate:
Autumn
The leaves fall, fall as from a distance,
as far away gardens withered in the heavens;
They fall with negating gesture.
And in the nights the hard earth falls away from all the stars in the loneliness.
We all fall. This hand there falls.
And look at another--it is in all.
And yet there is someone who stops these falls endlessly gently in his hands.
SKB
Amanda - I love that song, and it got me through some really hard times once (I came across the Kinks version in high school, but now listen mostly to Dar Williams) - It's hard to believe sometimes, but it does happen
love
Pam
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