I'm not even sure what to write about these days!
My mental health is really holding steady, which is almost scary. It's amazing what happens when the right drugs get together! Obviously we haven't figured out the sleeping drugs yet. I am one of those rare beings, a true insomniac. I remember thinking lots of strange thoughts at this time in the morning, even when I was a little child. My brother Jonathan was a sleepwalker...I rarely do that. (though I have , sometimes with unbloggable consequences!) But I do just stay awake. I have some sleeping pills but I have to remember to take them very, very early, and I rarely do. And If I take them after say 10pm then I'll just sleep through the next day. In fact, pretty much anytime there's a missing day on this blog that's the reason.
While I'm thinking of it, I'd like to ask for some prayers. I've been out of partial hospital, on disability but looking forward to returning back to work for several weeks now, but I've been given cause to worry about my job security. I really, really want to go back and show them how competent a properly treated, medicated employee I can be. I really don't want to deal with unemployment/SSDI right now, when I am feeling so much better. Please pray they'll give me a chance.
In other news, I had to make a really hard decision and defer my reapplication to my dream school by another year, in the name of reality and sanity. I so wish I was super-girl. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I KNOW I can do, that it's so hard to wait. I am really smart. I know that. I have a lot of minuses, but that's one of my pluses. You can count me a certified "genius", so I ought to be able to do and be whatever I want. Instead, I'm mud-wrestling in the trenches with my mental illness. I've been doing a lot of research, though, and apparently very high IQ coincides with a very high incidence of mental illness. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just trying to come to terms with who I am. For so long I've wondered how I could be so smart and still be such a screw-up, and I guess now I'm getting my answers. But I really, really, really, really hope that I can overcome the mess to be what I want to be.
What do I want to be? I think I want to be a doctor. Honestly, though? I'd be just as happy as a housewife. I think. So far my yeehaw IQ hasn't been much use to me.
Should I aim for somewhere in between?
I ask God, "what do you want from me? You made me really smart. You also made me able to bake a cherry pie, change a diaper, kiss away a hurt, sew a dress, knit a scarf, plant a garden, milk a goat...what do you want? What part do you want? Do you have a plan that uses all of it? Huh, God?"
But then, I've been asking God to tell me what I should do/be since I was 9. God doesn't write self-help books. He doesn't co-author "What Color is Your Parachute."
Phooey.
But I can tell you something cool: I've met an awesome new friend who is making me smile every day. Tomorrow we're going to St. Anthony's Festival in the North End. I may be a Quaker, but I still pray to St. Anthony. He's been my best heavenly friend since I was a child. In fact, I can talk to St. Anthony much, much more easily than I can approach any idea of Jesus. So I think that's a sign of goodness.
Okay, let me find you another Margolin poem. I bought the book for a friend, so I have to milk it while I have it.
Drowse on, my beloved, drowse on.
You are like new brown forest earth.
Your eyes are full of sky.
I your peace and I your sword
now watch over heaven and earth.
Every star in amazement hears
what I whisper in your sleep.
Of The Best Stuff, but Cracked
4 comments:
I've sometimes wished to be really stupid and happy myself... (some would say I accomplished the first half...). But, I think the key is learning to be directed and proactive in a patient way. Patience is the hardest part, as hard as keeping to the plan.
Once thee decides WHO thee is, it is a matter of doing those things which bring about happiness as that person. Remember John's saying how silly he felt, about to shout a great old Saxon four letter word, when struck painfully by a subway turnstile in plain dress? It is doing those things which make us who we plan to be. We the anger, the pain, the sadness get in the way of that, it is stopping and saying the person I seek to be does not do that. It's not easy ... and it takes a lot of deep breaths and kicking thyself in the ego.
There is a friend of mine, who constantly attacks me, then apologizes the next day. She sends me stories to cover, and is a good person under the anger and flightiness. I learned that I can try to explain and clear the things about which she attacks me, and get into more muck with her, or just nod, put the attack aside and go on without feeling a need to address the assault to me ego. It is a great thing to learn to let things pass ... to get on with what is needed, and not get bogged down.
If things don't work out with the job, drop me an email, and I will see if I can find thee some local help on that -- and thee can judge if the path to sorting it out is too much cumber or not. In the instance of having to decide to struggle with keeping the job or moving on (which I pray will NOT be an issue) I would suggest if thy Meeting has a good M&C. asking for a clearness committee to help thee decide on the best course of action.
Thanks for bringing us this wonderful poet! What a find!!!
I know that when thee can decide which of thy many talents is the real thee ... we will all be saying, "we knew her when she was a brilliant unknown " =)
Saint Anthony is a mench
Hey lady! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling more stable, and I'm so hopeful that you'll be able to return to your job-- hopefully I'll see you soon on campus!
And don't forget: your gifts and abilities don't all have to be used in one career! We're all good at lots of stuff, and that's part of the richness of life! You'd make a hell of a doctor, and a hell of a housewife, and a hell of a lot of other cool things. It's ok to just *be* for a while.
You know, I've been trying to read your blog everyday, and you have no idea what an inspiration you are to me! And you know, you really can be anything you want to be. A doctor, a housewife, a farmer, a literature teacher, a circus clown....I also think you'd make a great writer - I love your blog. :)
And I agree, St. Anthony is awesome.
May God bless and keep you, m'dear.
I know what you mean about high IQ not seeming to help. I have the same problem. Some days, all it seems to mean is that I can read harder books than the people around me.
But it's a gift from God, a gift that means you have more insight into yourself and the people around you. You *will* get to use it.
On another topic, I grew up in a very "centripetal" (isolated, inward looking) Catholic family, and had a hard time breaking away in my youth. If you are still interested in hearing about people's experiences about that, write me at the email in my blog profile.
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