I'm hurting pretty hard today, but some good friends saw me through it. Ugh, ugh ugh ugh ugh.
I'm so ready to NOT be hurting, you know? More Margolin:
Here a word of terror, there one of regret.
Here I cried out, there in sorrow I paused.
You transformed the roads into Golgotha,
and my blood runs in all the streets.
Here I wept. The dank walls
roared out the stern judgment at the weak and the lost
while many lords and ladies looked on
as the woman walked through the dusk in tears.
Pleading, raging, regretting,
now the last terrible note of life
blares forth, sinking into the dust.
And yet, O God, O Tormentor, I do believe:
With dying fingers, I will yet touch a star,
and I will hear an eternally profound,
an infinitely tender word.
It seems every time I am hurt it's as if I've forgotten just how hurt I can be. The pain is terrible, but here is a difference: for the first time, I feel the pain, but I don't want to die.
This is bittersweet. The thought of suicide can be an addiction, an out, an escape "if things get too bad I can always end it." But now I know I won't, and so I have to endure, which is both a triumph and a torment.
Of The Best Stuff, but Cracked
4 comments:
There is the old bit of wisdom that the simplest plans work. In deciding who you are, what you need to do to become who you are, to succeed, aim high but aim simple, and funny enough, joy follows, because you are moving towards, not reacting to.
The pain is real, (you know I know ... been there, horrible pain) but, the pain is reactive, when you become proactive, and are moving towards anything, not retreating to loss ... it DOES get better.
Simple plans. You have held to the plan to be a doctor. Good, difficult, but still simple, there are steps, and you have choices. The hard times are those like now, that the way ahead is at risk, is based on somethings that seem beyond your control, such as can I get into the school I want?
But, understand that you can decide on things to do, simple things, while you wait for the next step ... plan ahead for the times that the confusion and loss gets the better of you, and plan tasks which you will, as a matter of self discipline, as a matter of becoming what you want to be, you will do. When I am feeling lost, in pain, in need, I will ... and then do that, not as a distraction from the pain, but as a road out, as a path to becoming who you intend to be ... be your own doctor.
I know, I picked a much simpler plan ... go back to pushing cameras at people, gently, when things are black and painful inside, but there are days I feel like the waters are closing over my head ... and am just ready to let go of the earth, and in the process of doing, becoming what I intend, I am put in a situation where wonderful things happen ... you have to move to move away from pain, but move towards not away from.
I hope I've said what I mean... I am not underestimating the power of pain ... but the best pain killer is action -- not confused and undirected action, but, well a simple plan.
I'm thinking of you extra much today. Want to chill out later?
SKB
amanda, I'm glad you have friends to help you through this. You are in
my prayers.
Thank you Lorcan, that was good advice.
QuakerBear
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