Well, my little bird is looking a bit better. He even scooted a few claw-lengths nearer to me while I talked to him tonight. If he doesn't die I think I will call him Pistachio. Pissy for short, because, well, he is.
Back to meeting today for the first time in a long time. Very empty, nearly everyone off at Yearly Meeting. I choked back a message that wasn't ready after a rather heated internal debate, and was glad--that was right. People talked about the gospel of Matthew. I've spent a lot of time in there lately, and noticed that Jesus had...a few problems. I was reading it for the healing stories...in the past I have compared my illness to the possession stories, or even the story of the woman with the hemorrhage. Most of the healing stories are almost interchangeable: Son of David/Have Mercy/Your Faith Has Healed You/Go In Peace/Tell No One. But there are a couple of odd ones in there, ones you don't hear about very often. One that always chills me is this:
Just then a Canaanite woman from that region came out and started shouting, "Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon."
But he did not answer her at all. And his disciples came and urged him, saying, "Send her away, for she keeps shouting after us."
He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."
But she came and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, help me."
He answered, "It is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs."
She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."
Then Jesus answered her, "Woman, great is your faith! Let it be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed instantly.
I wonder if that woman was being humble, or if she was reproaching Jesus. I wonder if he felt ashamed for a moment when she answered him like that, if he blushed, swallowed, looked away. If he broke eye contact. Was she old enough to be his mother? Was she young and beautiful? Was she angry? Did he regret what he had said to her, then, thinking about the suffering daughter? Did he realize he had basically called this suffering stranger a dirty bitch and then repented of it when she called him out? Had he forgotten for a minute his mission of peace or was he still learning about it? Was she relieved? Frustrated? Humiliated to be publicly scorned and insulted by this famous Rabbi from the dirty little town, this wild-eyed young preacher with the magic hands and magic words? Did her love for her daughter overcome all of that?
I don't know. Could be the scene never took place. But it haunts my heart. All of the famous intersections of suffering and humility and faith are curious places. Is it a dog's faith that God requires of his Friends? Take a kicking, bow our necks to the blows, go howling away and then come whinging back to the table, tails between legs, pleading for crumbs, endlessly forgiving, endlessly loyal, endlessly patient, dumb suffering beasts? I don't think so. There's much more there, crammed far back out of the reach of theology. There's deep marrow in these bones.
"Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."
Still awake, still reading, still typing. Feeling deeply lonely on the one hand but warmed by the invisible presence and thoughts of far-away friends on the other. I took myself to a funny movie today and cried, then laughed at myself for crying and then cried some more. I wasn't keeping score but I think I'd have to say the laughing won this round. Thank God.
"Lord, help me."
2 comments:
I might be wrong ... but, I think the healing stories in the bible are about healing in a way that is deeply powerful in ways that medicine and magic can't accomplish. The healing is to learn to be faithful and trusting to the God within.
This is not to say, as some religions do, that we should do away with the meds. Twice in my life I was in really maddening physical pain from a throat operation and once from a bad couple of breaks in my hand which had been miss-set. The pain was so powerfully distracting that in order to relax into that healing within, I had to take some fairly powerful pain killers. In the case of my hand, they only dulled the pain for a short time... But, I did learn about trust.
I went to a proper hand surgeon, and he told me he was going to take the cast off my hand. Genie and Mum were there, and I asked them to leave the room, as I didn't want them to see me go from agony to unbearable pain. The surgeon told me that, from the x-rays, he could tell the pain was from the cast pressing on nerves, not the breaks. His manner was so direct that not only was I able to trust him to take the cast off, really calmly, but, though the pain had not yet dimmed, his confidence that he would make it better, was enough to make the pain bearable, and in fact, as the cast came off, it felt that the pain just fell away.
I think giving your pain to God is a little like that. Thee puts the worry for the pain, the coming hardships in God's hands to worry about, and then set to work to put things in order. It goes beyond the old ballad line, often repeated, "What can't be cured, must be endured..." it goes to say that we can stop letting pain distract us from that calm voice within, which says, don't worry, when I remove the cast the pain will go with it... " Some of the pain is the tension and worry about being in pain. There is real pain in feeling alone, real pain in worry about how to address the future, but that pain can be given to God when thee accepts that it can be trusted away, like trust in the doctor saying, this really wont hurt, we can solve it. Sometimes that voice within, needs to rough us up a little to get our attention, and remind us that it is so much more easy to listen to the gentle voice within, than the screaming voices of pain and worry.
Finding ways to then order thy life, by understanding is the next step, once thee stops letting pain distract thee. Thy setting me towards understanding what ADHD means logically, was a huge step forward, which friends have noticed the change in me as a result. Thee, and another friend, Liz, really helped me to see that it is possible to go past the confusion of not knowing, the fear of the pain of turmoil, to more order in addressing this and that in my life. Thee helped so, that I know thee can also find more order and direction towards all thee needs - and that first step is giving the worry about it to God.
PS Do tell Pissy the joke about the Duck and the Drugstore, if thee has forgotten it, let me know and I will send it to thee ... and remember that with all the friends praying for thee, thee also has a friend ever close in thy heart, that still small voice which never abandons thee, even when it is hard to listen to that voice.
I find this story very reasuring. This was Jesus the man talking, a falable human being, just like me. Yet he was/is with God. In Jesus' change of heart I can really see the light of God because He speaks through the woman and brings out further love from Jesus. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well, I'm sorry.
I also find it useful as it reminds me to constantly reconsider how I percieve and approach those around me, no matter what my initial reaction might be. From that point of view, it is an important parable that we can all learn from.
Anyway I wouldn't worry too much about the apparent calousness of Jesus, the man that he was, was a product of his socio-economic enviroment. Rather, concentrate on the uplifting example of reformed love that is possible from a human and how He overcame his socio-economic setting to provide a basis for life and love for all of us to follow.
Thus this one story of an initial reluctance to heal from Christ, enables and strengthens me and us to offer healing to others.
Anyway, I'm sure I'm waffeling now.
Hoping you are feeling better soon.
QuakerBear
Post a Comment