I "graduate" from my full-time therapy program on Friday. I'll have a few weeks of disability left to get steady on my feet and all. I may not be traveling after all, who knows. It doesn't really matter what I do, especially since some people in my life seem to think that these past months have been a tropical mickey-mouse-island-hopping vacation, and I really have to push down my anger. I'll trade places, people. See how you like being shuffled in and out of hospitals, warehoused with angry addicts and criminals, spending all your money on pills that make you fat or give you headache, staring at the ceiling every night praying for sleep or death or something in between, losing the love of your life to the ravages of mental illness. Oh yeah, it's been awesome.
I'm not really that bitter, at least not every day, it just comes out sometimes. I was on the phone with some college admission people today and they wanted to know how I'd spent my summer. I so wanted to tell them I'd done a semester abroad, or an intensive summer program at Harvard, or interned for some fascinating lab, or even "just working hard." I couldn't tell them everything I've been doing. All I could say was:
"I've been ill."
and those few words just don't cut it.
Gloom and doooom.
This is making me laugh, though. You may have to be a certain type of nerd to understand why. Thanks, SKB!
http://www.notablogtm.com/category/lolcat-bible/
Of The Best Stuff, but Cracked
6 comments:
Hi Amanda:
We've never met, but I wanted to thank you for your honesty and frankness as you've talked about the past few weeks/months.
I stumbled across your blog ages ago when I was looking for information on Quaker spirituality. I bookmarked it, and revisited now and then. Anyway, much later a friend of mine invited me to see a friend of hers perform their final project for a cabaret class. Imagine my surprise when I recognized you there from your photo! You all were amazing, BTW. I really enjoyed the performances!
My friend that invited me to the cabaret performance has been fighting pretty serious depression & suicidal thoughts. She'd hinted at things along the way, but only told me the full depth of her struggles the same week I read your recounting. I know that in some way reading about your journey helped me to be a better friend and listener as she shared with me.
I know that depression is no vacation, and fighting it is real work. I hope that the people in your life that doubt that will come to understand it soon.
You (and my friend) were in my prayers tonight at the Paraklesis service that takes place in the 2 weeks leading up to
the feast that celebrates Mary's Assumption (
Dormition). Part of it is reading Psalm 51, where there's a passage that goes "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart--These, O God, You will not despise." For some reason that line hit me hard as I had both you and my friend in my prayers.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your strength, as it helped me help someone else I care very much about.
Oh friend:
I know ... some people almost romanticize mental illness. I have held the hand of several of the closest of my friends as they went through the frightening wards, the lack of freedom, the deep deep deep pain. But, I also know, and some of them found, that like any other illness, thee is not the illness. Thee is not the illness. Thy friends still see thee so strongly in thy writing, and when thee finds the right balance, this will be like any other illness that can be treated, overcome, put in the proper place in thy life, but never will thee be the illness. Films like "A Beautiful Mind" don't portray the pain, the real struggle. But, I know thee to be tough and talented. Thee will carry the most important part of thyself through this, and more than beat this thing. Thee has real strength, even though sometimes thee has a hard time seeing it.
Love is never lost. Don't give up on thyself or others.
PS Not to make light of the pain and struggle of this time, One of my friends and former clients as an Indian Lawyer, was institutionalized a few times. She found her balance, has three wonderful kids... and when folks ask about the time, she is very comfortable to say... "Oh... I went bughouse for a little while... " There is life and even sanity after going bughouse for a little while. I hope, like this friend, thee can make light of this time one day, when thee finds thy balence.
See.........now you can just train Simon to sit on your shoulder and say "Eat Me!" (or something) to rude people.
I'm reminded of a schtick that John Astin (old comedian, played in the TV version of the Addams Family....before your time) did.
He'd tell whoever he was talking to; "I've been ill."
....and then he'd look around with this really crazed look on his face and say; "...but I'm much better now."
Be well, Kiddo...and be kind to yourself.
I don't think God created so many asses because he loved them so much as to let folks who suffer know that ultimately they are not the ones with the real problem.
The link was funny.............
Hey Jeff,
That class was a lot of fun. I'm glad you liked our show. It's a tiny tiny world sometimes. I'm so happy if anything I wrote here has been a help to you and your friend. Thank you for posting.
I am thinking of you today as you "graduate".
How was graduation? Thinking of you today and every day.
xoxo
SKB
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