It was a pretty grueling day. I will say though that I am experiencing a lot of gratitude lately, especially considering how beat-up I'm feeling.
Mostly I am grateful for my friends. I have a large handful of amazing, kind, loyal friends. It is hard for me to realize this sometimes as I've been so used to thinking of myself as someone who has a hard time making friends. And I am making more friends, in therapy, which has surprised me hugely. There is a certain type of hothouse intimacy that springs up in group therapy and hospital environments that is dangerous and which I have tried (successfully I think) to avoid. Considering how guarded I've been, it is a delight to me to discover that over the course of this program I have made three wonderful new friends.
These people are amazing in and of themselves, but there's a added bonus--we know each other's yuckiest stuff and nastiest secrets. There is no need for preambles or disclaimers. Unlike interaction with "normal" friends, we don't have to worry about the "Dementor Effect" (I promise to stop making Harry Potter references) because we KNOW that we are all depressed and dealing with a lot of negativity and that some days we just feel awful and that's all there is to it. There are no apologies necessary for needing to hide or flake out or freak out now and then. And when we are feeling good, we can have so much fun and silliness without the burden of worrying when it will end, or if it will end at an inconvenient time, because we just know it will, and that's okay. We don't have to talk about how therapy is going or our prognoses, because we already know them, and we've already had those conversations. And it's such an honor to be friends with these women. We are all strong, beautiful women who have each come nose to nose with some of the worst the world has to offer, and we have each chosen to fight the good fight and rise above. I am grateful for their presence in my life.
I am also grateful for bunny rabbits. There is a family of cottontails living somewhere in the meeting house yard and every time I catch a glimpse of one the sight very gently pats the sore spots in my heart and comforts me.
Of The Best Stuff, but Cracked
1 comment:
We should all be grateful for bunny rabbits. And friends. :-D
I recently had an experience where I spent several weeks in a funk, needing help with a problem, and feeling lost because I still know so few people in this town and couldn't think who to turn to. I tentatively reached out a couple of times, only to be disappointed. And then a woman I have only met twice, who I know primarily through an online group, volunteered to drive two hours (with her two daughters) and give up her day to make my day easier.
More and more, I've learned that we often have friends as good to us as we let them be. I pray that I become comfortable enough with my own weakness to let my friends be the friends they want to be.
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